HELP STOP CHILD ABUSE!

You can see them in the Emergency Rooms of any Smalltown, USA or any Largecity,USA. By the time they get to an Emergency Room pain has usually become its own anaesthetic. They look at you with large, hollow eyes, never casting a glance toward the broken bones or cigarette/cigar burns. Usually they don't cry, because crying does no good. The only thing that can stop the hurt - sometimes - is to be quiet, very quiet! They will not answer your questions, sometimes they can't - they haven't learned to talk yet. These are the victims of abuse that someone has finally taken to the hospital - sometimes much too late. The victims of physical abuse!

Then, there are the others - too vivacious, too happy, too nervous, too afraid. Surely these children are not victims, but look closer, there are signs. These are usually the children of sexual abuse of younger children.

There are still others - sad, quiet, withdrawn, ashamed, afraid, rebellious, defiant, denying - these too may be victims of sexual abuse of older children - children who know that it "must be bad" but who can they tell to make it stop.

Still more? - yes the "everyday" abusers - the ones who say "gee, you're dumb!" , "Why can't you be more like so-and-so?", "Mrs. Jones' daughter/son makes all "A"s, why can't you?" "Why didn't I have a smart (beautiful) (handsome) (tall) (short) (skinny) kid - rather than you?" This is usually a parent, grand parent, teacher, etc., who is trying to elicit a better performance by belittling and holding up "perfect" children for them to emulate. What this is called is loving abuse - but it isn't "loving". It really can't be called the worst abuse - because it doesn't leave scars on the body, the parent/teacher did it with love (usually) but the emotional scars have been made. These scars stay in the mind - sometimes forever.

How can you help stop Child Abuse? Pull your head out of the Sand! Clean up your own doorstep first and look around you. But look in your own house first!

For instance: Spanking your child
NEVER HIT A CHILD IN ANGER
10 TO 50 POUNDS AGAINST 100 POUND+
DOESN'T HAVE A "FIGHTING" CHANCE

Instead, why don't you try one of the following:

• For instance - do you like to be ignored.
• Bad behavior is usually a desire for attention. Ignore bad behavior that will not harm the child; bad habits, whining, bad language, tantrums. Ignoring is NOT EASY to do, but this lack of attention takes away the very audience they are seeking.
• Suspend privileges, but match the suspension of privilege to the action as closely as possible - fighting over TV = Loss of TV time but remember the younger the child the shorter the time should be. 15 minutes to a child is a lifetime - one program is an eternity in addition long suspensions only build resentment. The child forgets the original wrong doing, which undermines the lesson to be learned. Keep the suspension short - BUT stick to it.
• Let the punishment fit the "crime": Abuse the use of a toy, the toy is taken away for a period of time. Artistic creations on the wall, let the child wash the wall. Missed a curfew, subtract the time from the next outing.
• There are other ways to redirect behavior. For instance help the child to rearrange his/her space, but don't do the job yourself. HELP the child. Think ahead to avoid problems. Have hampers or baskets for dirty clothes, hangers for clean clothes (which can be reached), designated areas for toys and favorite items, homework in designated area, make a chart for chores with pictures for the child who can't read yet.
• Redirect undesirable behavior by substituting another desirable behavior. Crayon on wall: have paper available. Throwing objects such as sand dirt or other like items, give them something suitable (ball) to throw. And the one that most teachers use - give a special job to do to use up energy, make the child feel important and special.

USE THE: WHEN...THEN option: When you pick up the toys then you can have the TV on, when you come home from school on time then you can have a friend over, when you mow the lawn then you can go to play video games, when you clean up your room then you can go play.
BE CAREFUL: tie what you want with what they want to make this work.

Other methods:
FINES: Some families access fines for bad habits, rules violated, forgotten responsibilities, etc. Ideally, the "kitty" goes for a family outing, a reward to all in the end.

WORK DETAIL: Creative use of energy especially for older (8 years +) to "make up" for rule violations. A list is posted of jobs that need to be done, the child chooses one or more jobs to "work off" the improper behavior: wash the car, wash windows, clean the dog area, stack wood, weed garden, etc.

MODEL: If need be, which is likely, show the child what or how to do the job, chore, or behavior in the appropriate way. Patience and practice can often turn a wrong doing into a new helper.

TIME OUT: Use time out for dangerous and harmful behaviors - biting, aggressive hitting, purposeful destruction - follow these guides:

• keep time out to 1 or 2 minutes and have them sit in a boring place - tell them what they did wrong and what they are supposed to do instead.
• use a timer - saves sanity (egg timer).
• when time out is over - notice something they are doing right and praise them for it.

But on the other hand - REWARD
Children repeat behavior they get ATTENTION for. Give attention to GOOD BEHAVIOR, you will get more of it. Notice when children TRY, not just when they do it right.
AVOID: Shaming, threats, belittling.

SEXUAL ABUSE OF A CHILD
It IS a crime

Who is around your children? Who takes care of them when you are not there? Abuse is not restricted to any age, sex, or lifestyle. Anyone can be a child abuser - mom, dad, grandmother, grandfather, aunt, uncle, cousin, brother, sister, pastor, priest, babysitter, teacher - most of the time a child abuser is NOT a stranger. How do you protect your child? Be Aware!

Don't assume that your child is "okay" in someone's care. Investigate! Surprise the care giver (come when you are not expected). Care about your child and take positive action to make sure that abuse does not happen. And not just your own child! Look at your neighbor's child, the other children at the day care centers or at the baby sitter's house. The abuse may not be happening there but the signs may exist that it is happening elsewhere. Care about all children and learn to look for telltale signs.

FACT: Child abuse and neglect is a national emergency. New cases are reported at the horrifying rate of one every two minutes. The National Committee for the Prevention of Child Abuse and Neglect estimates that more than three million children will be victims of abuse and neglect this year. Child abuse and neglect is the leading causes of death for girls and boys less than three years old. As many as 5,000 infants and toddlers die each year from severe abuse.

WHAT IS CHILD ABUSE?

Child abuse is the willful mistreatment of a child by his or her parents, relatives or guardian. Child abuse is violence to children which includes physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse or neglect. Child sexual and physical abuse is not limited to the family structure. These types of crimes are often committed by acquaintances of the victim, through organizations outside the family such as date rape, abuse occurring at day care centers, schools, churches, boy's clubs, girl's clubs or even in your own neighborhood.

SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS

Although these signs do not necessarily indicate that a child has been abused, they may help adults recognise that something is wrong. The possibility of abuse should be investigated if a child shows a number of these symptoms, or any of them to a marked degree:

• Sexual Abuse
• Being overly affectionate or knowledgeable in a sexual way inappropriate to the child's age
• Medical problems such as chronic itching, pain in the genitals, venereal diseases
• Other extreme reactions, such as depression, self-mutilation, suicide attempts, running away, overdoses, anorexia
• Personality changes such as becoming insecure or clinging
• Regressing to younger behaviour patterns such as thumb sucking or bringing out discarded cuddly toys
• Sudden loss of appetite or compulsive eating
• Being isolated or withdrawn
• Inability to concentrate
• Lack of trust or fear of someone they know well, such as not wanting to be alone with a baby-sitter or child minder
• Starting to wet again, day or night/nightmares
• Become worried about clothing being removed
• Suddenly drawing sexually explicit pictures
• Trying to be 'ultra-good' or perfect; overreacting to criticism

PHYSICAL ABUSE

• Unexplained recurrent injuries or burns
• Improbable excuses or refusal to explain injuries
• Wearing clothes to cover injuries, even in hot weather
• Refusal to undress for gym
• Bald patches
• Chronic running away
• Fear of medical help or examination
• Self-destructive tendencies
• Aggression towards others
• Fear of physical contact - shrinking back if touched
• Admitting that they are punished, but the punishment is excessive (such as a child being beaten every night to 'make him study')
• Fear of suspected abuser being contacted

EMOTIONAL ABUSE

• Physical, mental and emotional development lags
• Sudden speech disorders
• Continual self-depreciation ('I'm stupid, ugly worthless, etc.')
• Overreaction to mistakes
• Extreme fear of any new situation
• Inappropriate response to pain ('I deserve this')
• Neurotic behaviour (rocking, hair twisting. self-mutilation)
• Extremes of passivity or aggression

Note: A child may be subjected to a combination of different kinds of abuse. It is also possible that a child may show no outward signs and hide what is happening from everyone

SUSPECTED ABUSE

If you suspect that a child is being abused seek advice from the police or social services. It is preferable that you identity yourself and give details. However if you feel unsure and would like to discuss the situation there are several options available: talk to the child's school counselor (if the child is of school age), talk to another adult who may be observing the same circumstances, call the local Child Protective Services or the National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC) Helpline. You can speak to these organizations (and the police and social services) anonymously.

Knowing how damaging abuse is to children it is up to the adults around them to take responsibility for stopping it. Look in your local phone book - Child Protective Services - Child Welfare - or the national Child Abuse Hotline. In many states suspecting child abuse and NOT reporting it is a CRIME.

WHAT IF A CHILD
TELLS YOU ABOUT ABUSE?

If a child tells you about abuse:
DO NOT ACT HORRIFIED!
DO NOT START CRYING!

REMEMBER!
You are not important - what you say and do at this particular time can effect this child for the rest of his/her life. Stay calm and be reassuring (and if it is your child you are going to find this to be the most difficult thing you have ever done in your life). Smile at the child - offer comfort if needed - act like it is normal for a child to tell you this. Do not upset the child - do not go running and screaming to the telephone to call "whomever". Sounds easy doesn't it.

DON'T YOU BELIEVE IT!

It is at this point that war has been DECLARED - a war to save this child, break the pattern and stop the abuse.

• Find a quiet place to talk
• Believe what you are being told
• Listen, but do not press for information - you can ask very general questions, but be careful, because the child can become silent immediately.
• Say that you are glad that the child told you
• In all probability the child feels that he/she has done something wrong or bad - reassure them repeatedly that they have done the right thing by telling you that the other person has done the bad thing.
  A very important thing here - especially if the abuser happens to be a parent - is to reassure the child that the parent really loves him but that it sounds right now like mommy/daddy is having a problem and needs to be a doctor in order to get better and the child has done the correct thing by telling you, because now mommy/daddy can get the help that they need. If the abuser is a stranger - the same thing can be said - insofar as the abuser needs "help"
• Say that you will do your best to protect and support the child
• If necessary seek medical help and contact the police or social services immediately.
• If your child has told another adult such as a teacher or school nurse, contact them. Their advice may make it easier to help your child - and don't delay - too often if teachers, etc., do not hear from parents immediately the assumption is that the parents may be the abusers or know about it and the child can become a ward of the state immediately.
• Determine if this incident may affect how your child reacts at school. It may be advisable to meet with your child's teacher(s) or counselor(s) or nurse head teacher.
• Acknowledge that your child may have angry sad or even guilty feelings about what happened, but stress that the abuse was not the child's fault.

IF YOU ARE THE PARENT
OF AN ABUSED CHILD:

• Acknowledge that you will probably need help dealing with your own feelings LATER - Not now - at this point in time you, as an adult, are unimportant - the Child is what counts - how he/she sees himself/herself and this moment, right now, is not to early to start teaching the child to "hate" what was done but not necessarily to "hate" the person because the person is "ill"
• If the abuser is an ex-spouse - don't get angry - not now, take immediate steps to see that the child is not placed in the position where the abuse can happen again. Do not "confront" the expouse. This action only leads to denial and possibly harm to the child.
• Seek counselling for yourself and your child through the organisations listed or through your own contacts

Unchecked and uncorrected child abuse, leads, at best, to a maladjusted adult and at worst, it may end in a child death. In between these two possibilities are children living each day hungry, neglected, feeling unloved and fearful. Children may react by becoming delinquents, runaways, substance abusers and/or suicide victims. Or, they may become abusive parents themselves and start the cycle all over again. It is clearly time for all of us within the community to work together to help these children who need us.

WHY DOES IT HAPPEN?

There is no single or simple explanation which can be linked to the cause of child abuse. It can be described, however, as the inappropriate responses by persons who, for various reasons, have not learned how to deal with children appropriately. These people can change by seeking the help which is available.
Factors Contributing To Abuse:
Psychological Factors

• Abusers may have been abused as children.
• Many adults who have been raised in abusive homes or environments have not learned how to interact with children in any other way.
• Some adults do not understand child development.
• Adults may not know how to meet a child's needs or may have unrealistic expectations of a child and cannot understand why the child cannot meet these expectations.

Social Factors Some adults often believe that it is their right to control children. "My parents didn't spoil me - used a switch a lot - never hurt me none - look how I turned out!" (comment upon being arrested for beating a 5 year old until his legs bled.
Those individuals who abuse children may have an ingrained ("God gave me this child") belief that they should be in control of children. The abuse of power and authority is the underlying factor apparent in cases of abuse.
Stress Factors Stress may contribute to abuse. Abuse may occur out of feelings of frustration because the adult may not have enough time, money, energy or support to adequately care for the child.

Help is available to assist adults in learning how to understand children and their development, how to cope with their situation in better ways. Child Abuse is a National and International Problem.

Do Your Part

STOP CHILD ABUSE