I was born in NSW, Australia. An illegitimate
child. Even before I was born, my Grandmother tried
to kill me in my mothers womb, kicking my mother so
as she would miscarry.
My mother and father ran hotels. Managing them,
working behind the bar and often having to leave me
with someone while they worked at night.
My brother was born two years later, the apple of
my fathers eye. We moved around alot due to the fact
that our parents ran hotels, often moving from one
hotel to another never really settling for long in
places. The first part of my life that I can remember
is when I was molested sexually by my Uncle (my
mother's brother) I am not exactly sure of the age
but I was only 3 or a little more.
I was left in my grandmothers care while my mother
attended work and my Uncle took me under the house
and violated me. After he had finished with me he
took me to the bathroom and told me not to tell a
soul or they would kill me. So I did as I was told
and kept quiet. It was only a few days later that he
took me to the park, I needed to use a toilet so he
took me to the local school and while in there he
asked that I do to him as he did to me--I ran and to
this day, I can still hear his laughing as I ran
away. Nothing happened that I can recall after that
but life was not the same.
We moved again to another place and I recall many
fights between my mum and dad. My dad would set traps
at night in our back yard and catch cats in them and
once he had them he would call us out into the yard
and make us watch as he would blow their heads off
with a shotgun. Christmas time would come and we
would come out so excited but never would I get my
gifts. I remember one year my mum had bought me a
doll that could walk, my father ripped it from my
arms and ripped its arms and legs off so I couldn't
play with it. My brother though would have his gifts.
These are really the only memories of thoughts that I
remember from those early years, more fighting and
arguing and often dad never coming home, I now know
that he was getting drunk and out with other women.
We moved again, things were getting worse, still
the fighting and arguing but now my mum would get
drunk and take pills and pass out on us. My dad would
make me come out and say look at your mother get her
up and put her to bed, I was about 8. Countless
nights my father would get me out of bed and make me
lie between him and mum and lay there scratching his
back until he slept, God help me if I stopped before
he went to sleep.
Again another move, nothing changed much except
for my mothers state of mind, she got deeper and
deeper into the pills and the alcohol. I remember one
day her taking us out in the car (she was drunk) and
trying to run us off the road into a power pole. She
wanted her children and her dead. She never
succeeded. Night after night I would stand on a chair
and cook a meal for my brother and I as she lay doped
out in bed and my father worked. I was still not even
10. Finally something clicked and it came to a head
my father had apparently threatened my mother with a
shotgun, next I remember her trying to drag me into a
car with her brother (my molestor) and my father
hanging onto my other arm screaming that she was not
taking us away. He didn't want us, I knew that he
just wanted to hurt her. We did however get away.
That night my Uncle tried to have sex with my Mum.
Mum continued on her downhill run, drinking and going
out a lot, one night she didnt come home at all, I
was so scared. She did come home the next day
however, with a man who now is my step father. Things
began to take a different turn from then. She was
happier, we moved into a little home just the three
of us and things were great.
One day while I was out mowing the lawn (now about
10) and my brother was playing in the yard, our
father arrived, he threw us into the back of his
sisters car and she took off with us. He apparently
had gone to court, told mum he didn't want us so not
to appear, he lied. He received sole custody of us.
It just about killed her. We never were to see our
mother again.
That night our father promised us the world,
everything we wanted, we would get. What a lie! We
didnt live with him, we lived with his sister and her
husband and I was made a slave. I never had friends
around, couldn't go anywhere, all I did was work. The
only friends I had were the horses up the back that I
would go and talk to each day. And still no word from
my mum. Dad would see us occassionally, but never a
word about mum, and God help us if we mentioned her
name.
Then the day came where dad took us to live in a
caravan in his mothers back yard, still to work...not
to have fun and not to hear or speak of my Mum.
Finally the day came that I received a wedding
invitation to my mums wedding. I was made to tear it
up and he would mention no more of it. If I ever did
anything wrong he would throw me in the car and drive
me 200kms south and show me the girls home and tell
me that was where I was going. Finally something
happened and I had done something terribly wrong, I
do not recall what, probably not making the beds or
something because thats all I ever did..WORK. My dad
took me to see a drive-in movie and told me that this
was the finish of my freedom, he was taking me south
and putting me in the girls home and wanted nothing
more to do with me. I was too much like my mother and
I would never amount to anything. I was selfish and a
whore. I was terrified, he never did it.
The next morning was like nothing ever happened.
Finally after 5 years my father tells me that he
can't handle me anymore and that my mum was coming to
take me to her house to talk to me. It was a great
night, she had so much nice stuff and her house was
so cosy, it even felt right! We talked and talked and
talked then she took me back to dad. I wanted so bad
to stay with her but it never happened.
Time rolled by, I was in high school, studying
hard and helping my brother with his schooling and
sorting out his problems with his teachers.(They
never asked to see dad they saw me instead). My
cousin was hanging around a bit by this time and one
night took me out for a drive. I told him I didn't
want to go home and I couldn't take much more! Again,
I hadnt seen mum for months.
Finally mum came to our house and spoke with my
father. That night he came to my bedside and cried
and cried and begged that I would not leave...Mum was
taking me home. My brother, through all of this, was
just doing what kids do, and he didn't seem to mind
what was happening in our lives. He didnt want to
leave. My father put me in front of my brother and
said she is selfish, she is leaving you and I alone
and going to live with her mother. My brother flew to
his room and never came out until I was going to get
in the car with my mum and dad made him stand at the
door and watch as we drove away. I will never forget
the look on my brothers face as I left.
Finally I was free, Mum and Kevin(my stepfather)
gave me everything. They let me do whatever I wanted.
They bought me everything I needed and they never
complained or argued with me. It was a completely
different life to what I had grown with. It was
great, I was 15 and loving it. My stepfather taught
me how to drive, I started ice-skating and then I met
what I thought was the man of my dreams---Geoff. He
took me everywhere, doted on me, gave me whatever I
wanted. We spent all our time together! It was
great...life was great at home and life was great
with him.
After 18months, I decided to move into a flat
where I could be closer to him. He was a
proffessional fisherman and came home at all hours,
so I gave him a key and when he wanted, he would come
home to me. One night I went away with the ice hockey
team to a game and when I came home, here was Geoff,
laying on my lounge asleep. I woke him and he was a
monster, accusing me of sleeping around and leaving
him alone and how selfish I was going out when he was
out working. He beat me around a few times and left.
I followed him---stupid move. He beat me up some more
till finally I found a phone and rang my mum. It was
3 in the morning and here I was, on the side of the
road...alone, beaten, and heartbroken! She came and
collected me and said no more. He was not to come
near me.
He rang the next day to say he was sorry, and I
believed him, but mum was another story. That was the
first argument my mum and I ever had, and am I so
ever glad that she stuck by her feelings and said no
to me, as much as it hurt her.
I continued on with my life, but many times Geoff
would follow me and even try and run me off of the
road. But time changes things and soon I learned to
stand on my feet and move on. Then the day came, I
had moved back with Mum and Kevin and things were
doing well, although I hadnt heard from my brother in
about 3 years.
Mum and Kevin were moving to Western Australia and
I didnt want to leave my friends. What a
heartbreaking time it was, I watched them drive off
but I wanted to stay and enjoy my life, a life that I
had never ever had before. It was too good to get up
and go like that even if they were moving to the
other side of the country. They left. I stayed.
I got a job, I got a nightclub, I got drunk, I got
drugs , I got the occult. I had men, night after
night, men,men,men. Wow, this was it! I was so
popular. People loved me! I was never straight,
always talking to things on a weije board and living
it high. Great life. At last I had it all..or so I
thought!
One night, while at my regular night spot, I was
offered a lift home by a male friend of mine. I, was
as usual, drunk and stoned. He drove straight past my
home and we ended up in some gravel pit somewhere, He
raped me and drove me home where he had had his way
and threw me into the gutter outside my home. I had
no feeling about this incident at all for some time,
this was normal, until I found something strange had
happened and I had to see my Doctor. The doctor
revealed to me that I had herpes. The man that raped
me had given me his disease. This made it all hit
home. But rather than seek help, I felt degraded and
used, I got deeper and deeper into the drugs and
alcohol and the sex. This was the only way to get by.
The sex was the only way to get love.
I went on like this for 3 or 4 years....one night
I discussed with a friend of mine how lonely I was
and I just wanted someone to really love me. They
told me that while I was hanging with the crowd I was
with and following bands around the countryside, I
would never find happiness. One week later he walked
into the room...the man I swore I would marry. I knew
as soon as I saw him that he was the one and guess
what??....finally I was right about something!! God
had begun his work!!!!!!!!!!!
We dated for about 18 months...I got Stuart into
the drugs like I was, the occult and we kept up the
life I had known for what seemed so long. His mates
thought I was great. I could outdrink and outsmoke
the best of them. I was one of the guys. Stuart's
parents never really accepted me though. I often told
them of my past and they would just say ,"Oh it
couldnt have been that bad" If only they knew.
During this time I kept in touch with my Mum and she
constantly begged me to come to Western Australia and
live with them. But no, I had it all...why did I want
to leave? I had my new man and he liked the drugs
too, not as much as me but he went along with it
anyway.
On Stuart's 21st birthday, he made an announcement
to his family and friends. We were getting engaged. I
can still see the looks on all their faces---no one
approved! Only a matter of weeks later Stuart looked
at me and said, "Lets go, we are moving to Perth
with your Mum". We never told his family, just
loaded up his things and went. We sent them a letter
from half way across the country and told them this
was where our new life would be. We had an ounze of
marijuana in the car and our stuff and our dog and we
were gone. A new life, in a new state!!
Finally we arrived in Western Australia. My mum
tells me she was horrified when we arrived. I was so
thin and looked terrible. My family loved Stuart and
we all settled in well together living with Mum and
Kevin.
One night at Mums we decided to have a sceance.
Boy was God going to move that night. We began our
sceance and contacted something, something that
threatened my life and swore it would not rest till
it got me. Freak out!!!! What was going on???? I had
never encountered something like this before. A few
nights later Stuart and I went to visit my Uncle.
Yes, the one who had molested me. I had put this
abuse so far behind me it didnt even seem to bother
me what he had done. I suppose I thought it was
normal. And would you believe, my Uncle had become a
Christian? We told him what had happened with our
sceance and he hit us with it. Out came his bible and
he opened to Revelations and let us know what God had
in store for this planet. We spent hours discussing
what he had shown us and upon us leaving, he invited
us to church on Sunday night. Why not? It couldnt
hurt! So, that following Sunday, we went to church
with them. I had never felt so sick in my life. I
couldnt concentrate, I was aching inside. What was I
doing? I didnt belong here! But rather than make a
fool of myself, I went inside. The pastor was
wonderful in his speech. People looked so happy, but
yet I felt like screaming and running out of the
church with my tail between my legs, but no,
something kept me in that chair.
I cant even remember what the pastor was saying.
All I can remember is the last song....Come Home,
Jesus is calling, Come Home. I was crying and shaking
and I could feel the tug inside, but something was
holding me in that chair. Next thing I knew, there
was a hand in mine, leading me to the isle and then a
hand on back pushing me gently down the front. Yet
there was no-one there with me, just me and God.
There I was standing at the front of the church with
tears streaming down my face, sobbing,
uncontrollably, feeling my life being thrown on the
floor in front of me for all to see...and a voice
saying Your home!!! The whole time I stood there I
could feel these loving arms around me, and that is
no exageration I could actually feel them.
We went home and boy, what a night. The enemy
wasn't going to give up so easy. I had the worst
nightmare ever. I woke to find our bedroom floor
covered in large rats. They were trying to get on the
bed. I tried to wake Stuart, but he just slept. I
tried so hard to wake him but no, he slept. Why
wouldn't he wake, finally I gave in and prayed. I
didnt know how to pray but I prayed. The rats
left.....a light broke through and they were gone.
That was the 25th September 1985 and God had finally
broke through. The drugs stopped, no withdrawals at
all, the occult stopped, the nightmares stopped, the
drinking stopped. I had my fiancee, my mum and God
what more could there be?
We attended church regularly, discipleship, bible
studies, I grew and grew. Stuart became a christian a
week later than I. Mum became a christian a week
later than Stuart, Kevin became a christian a week
later than mum. The lord truly moved in our home.
Then we decided it was time to get married, 30th
November 1985. It was truly a blessed wedding. Small,
but God was there and that's what mattered. Not long
after the church pulled the rug out from under me. I
thought everything had changed, life was so good. We
hadn't attended church for 4 weeks and the church
sent us a letter telling me I was no longer a member
of the body of Christ because we had not been to
church for so long. What a knock in the head! I
thought God loved us. Why had this happened? We did
not go back after this and then after a few months we
were invited to another church, as Stuart played
keyboards in a Christian band and they wanted them to
play there.
We went and I had found a new home. We went to
church again regularly and made new friends and moved
on. I found though that I couldn't be me. I always
felt I had to be someone I was not. I was one person
at church and another at home. I was still smoking
and people judged me for who I was. I never felt good
enough. If they didn't like me, neither would
God...what could I do? Why wasn't I like everyone
else and walking tall with God? I musn't be saved!
God doesn't love me, how could he? I dont deserve it.
I trundled on like this for a couple of years,
getting further and further from God and hating
myself more and more each day. Then, for one reason
or another, I began to have terrible bouts of fear
and depression. What was going on? I went to see my
Doctor and had my first full blown Panic Attack in
the surgery. I thought I was going to die. The Doctor
gave me a shot of valium and made arrangements for me
to come back and talk with him. I did. I went back
and it all flooded out...the sexual abuse, the mental
abuse...everything. I decided to start some
counseling. Here I was, 32, and all this garbage was
coming out everywhere. The Doctor put me on
anti-depressants and I went full on into my
counseling.
Where was God now? I turned my back on him. I was
full of shame, guilt, anger, and pain..all the
negative things and I turned my back on God. How
could he forgive me???
I decided I had to confront my Uncle about what
had happened. I had a 5 year old daughter and I was
scared for her. What if he ever touched her? I came
out about my past and my Uncle's mother, (my
grandmother), rang me and said I was a bloody liar
and I was in her eyes dead. My mum recieved a
phonecall from her as well and when Mum backed me up
she was disowned as well. My whole family turned
their back on me, my Uncle denied it ever happened.
He was supposed to be a christian why was he doing
this to me? My Uncle then sent me a letter
threatening legal action, I called his bluff and said
go ahead and I will take action as well. It all got
very dirty. I have never heard from them since, that
is now nearly 3 years ago.
During this time of crisis, my brother decided
that he and his family should come over here to us
and support Mum and I through this time. Now I never
see or hear from him, He is good mates with my Uncle
and as far as they are concerned I am the black sheep
in the family. I have heard that as far as he is
concerned and my grandmother I was always trouble and
not worth it anyway. It is all my fault that these
things happened. Well, I have taken all this on my
shoulders and carried it around now for everyone
else. Feeling the guilt, the shame, the pain and the
loneliness, still not wanting to turn to God. God
would only hurt me like everyone else in my life! Why
do I want to ask Him for help, He will only let me
down. I am not worth the effort. I will just go on
and survive as best as I can. Ha Ha Ha God wasn't
going to give up that easily.
Stuart got a computer about 6 months ago and an
amazing thing is on it called the internet. Out of
curiosity I tried to find a christian chat line and
see what would happen. I now have 2 beautiful people
on there that want so much to help me..its wonderful.
God is using this machine to help restore life to me.
I still won't go to church, people expect too much
from you, and when your pastor tells you that your
panic attacks are caused from a sin you have
committed and its your punishment you don't really
want to face that again. I listen to christian tapes,
praise God daily and try to learn from him. People
keep letting me down and hurting me, but each time
this still quiet voice says to me, "but would
they die for you?" I broke badly when a
so-called friend let me down but God made that happen
for a reason. Now I see what he has been trying to do
for so long but I had turned my back on him and he
couldn't. But even though I had left him he never
left me, he waited patiently for me to fall to my
knees and ask for his help. After being a christian
for 13 years I finally can say "JESUS LOVES
WENDY' I still am not free of so much.....I still
smoke, and drink but I know He knows my heart and he
will help me and free me of these faults and so much
more but like it says in the Psalms: "WAIT FOR
THE LORD, BE STRONG AND TAKE HEART, AND WAIT FOR THE
LORD'
Last night the 13th January 1998 was the beginning
for me. I went to bed and said Lord, no more..I
cannot carry all these articles around any longer and
have a relationship with you where I can grow and
feel your love and be free. Help me to know how to
start to get rid of these things. Like a beautiful
person said to me take off each article of clothing
and hang it on the cross. Lord I don't know where to
start, show me what to do. How to begin this work in
me.
You know what , He did! I can hardly believe it
myself. Today my mum came to me and told me something
of what my brother had said to her regarding me. The
relationship with my brother was the last article of
clothing that I had put on and here it was jumping up
in front of me and this still quiet voice saying:
"Lets begin" I am scared, I am not quite
sure how to handle this, but I know that God has
begun a work in me because I have said no more, help
me, and He will not stop until the work is completed.
I know it will be painful and hard but I want so much
to be free of all the garbage and live my life fully
for my Lord and Saviour. If he can die for me, I can
do that for Him. So life with God can be hard but the
gift that He has given us and the eternity that He is
preparing for me is worth the valleys that I go
through..And I know when I go through these
valleys...He is right there by my side to encourage
me along and when I cant go on He will lift me in his
loving arms and carry me till my strength comes back.
'GOD LOVES WENDY' and 'GOD WILL HELP ME TO DO THE
SEEMINGLY IMPOSSIBLE' At last I know I will be free.
Well there you have it, Im sorry its so long but
how do you make it shorter? I have missed alot of
details out but my heart has been poured out into
this testimony and I pray that whoever may read it
will be encouraged and will continue on in their
journey with God. It's exciting, each day is a gift
to be lived, not to grieve. And the past is just that
past. I am no longer going to be a victim but a
survivor and I will be here for God to use.
